My WHY Didn’t Work Out Because I Didn’t Workout

Here I am on May 10. I lost six pounds during the weight loss challenge I accepted two months ago. I have gained it all back. Not sure if I am heavier than when I started, but my final weigh-in will reveal the results on Saturday. I’m disappointed in myself. But I can’t complain, because even without having completed this challenge, I have learned.

I have learned that when it comes to exercise and changing my food intake I need a routine, and when that routine is altered due to circumstances I have no control over, it creates anxiety that cripples me. I started off this program successfully going to the gym or working out at home regularly. Four weeks in, I hurt my back and was unable to complete any workouts that week. The next week, still recovering from the back pain, the workouts I did were much slower and less involved. At that point, the Y began a renovation process. They moved every piece of equipment for cardio and strength into different rooms. The flow of my routine was interrupted.

In the midst of that, every week the wellness team was presenting us with both nutrition and exercise challenges. New information constantly being introduced to us and it was overwhelming! Some Sunday nights when I opened the email, it was a tidal wave of new material and I was drowning. I had trouble seeing the shore where I could have stepped away, toweled off, sat on the sand to compose myself and consider dipping my toe back into the water. Instead, I just ran away.

I’m a mom! I know I can multitask! But when it comes to making these types of changes, I really need to focus. There are so many nuances with nutrition and exercise, and I need to give myself time to feel confident and secure in each of the changes I’m making. I need to enter slowly into the waters of a healthy lifestyle. I need to get myself adjusted to the feelings that each step makes me experience.

A huge part of my issue is just fear. A subliminal fear that was awakened in me after my heart attack. Hell, a case of bad heartburn and I almost died in my bathroom.  It is pretty easy to pull the rug of confidence and safety right out from under someone when what seemed like a normal day was almost their last. The fact that I can actually use my bathroom is a huge accomplishment (especially since we only have one and can’t afford to move). Now, new things that are going to directly affect my body are things I approach cautiously.

You may remember me mentioning the book  Heart Smart for Women: Six S.T.E.P.S. in Six Weeks to Heart-Healthy Living that I was reading prior to taking on this challenge. Well, I should have just stuck with the book. Drs. Jennifer H. Mieres and Stacey E. Rosen, both cardiologists, did a wonderful job developing this program. I was reading the book, highlighting it, psyching myself up to start the steps, joined the challenge at the Y and put the book down. I didn’t follow through with what they had recommended and I wish I had, but now is my chance. And while it is a six week program, I plan to move at my own pace so I don’t stop taking the steps! I will commit to making changes as I develop confidence enough that I am succeeding with the new routine I put into place so I can add to it and not fail. Knowing two cardiologists developed this program has already instilled a sense of security in me that I can accomplish this.

Signs from the universe appeared this week as I determined that I just need to start fresh.

heart smart


I received a tweet from the Heart Smart Movement page asking how my reading was going and which S.T.E.P.S. were working for me. Ugh. Well … I have now tweeted this blog as a response to you and if you have gotten this far, you know my answer. I am currently working on week 1 of the program, “WEEK 1 S: Select and stock the kitchen with healthy food choices.” Ironically, our refrigerator broke this week and wasn’t cooling down. As a result, I had to ditch everything in it providing me with the opportunity to start completely fresh.

So now, it is time for me to pull together my shopping list, restock my 37 degree refrigerator and take the time to build my confidence in every change I make. In doing this, I will be better suited to handle the things I have no control over. I can’t stop the waves from coming, but I can prepare myself to face any ripple or swell knowing that I am capable of floating, swimming or surfing my way back to shore.

What’s My Why?

Yesterday was March 1. New month. New day. New beginning.

The past few weeks as I observed American Heart Month, I thought more about working on improving my health and why. I started reading a wonderful book called Heart Smart for Women: Six S.T.E.P.S. in Six Weeks to Heart-Healthy Living. and began creating an inventory of my life, what needed to change and how I could accomplish that.

On February 15, a friend who lives in the next town over posted on Facebook that she was going to participate in the Greater Hartford Slimdown through her local YMCA. A ten week challenge encouraging members to form teams and work together to exercise, build strength and live healthier lives. I had won a free three month family membership to that YMCA in December but hadn’t yet activated it. I spent a couple of days thinking about it and reached out to my friend on February 18 asking if she was going to be forming a team. She replied yes and asked if I would like to join with her friends. My answer, “Yes! I need something to get me going and this would be perfect.”

March 1 workout
Beginning my journey wearing my Human Unlimited shirt “Little things make big things happen.” 


Yesterday, I met my friend and another teammate to weigh in at the Y. I had become Facebook friends with the other woman once I knew we would be joining the team together but hadn’t spoken with her yet. I noted that I saw her FB page had posts about February being Heart Month and asked, “Do you have a survivor in your family?” She smiled and said, “Me.”

Whoa … another heart survivor?!?!? Long story (that lasted the hour we spent chit chatting on treadmills – YAY US!) she went into sudden cardiac arrest when she was 18 as she was driving while on vacation. Thankfully, she had almost come to a stop at a light when she slumped over the wheel. Divine intervention came into play when an off-duty  paramedic who was a few cars behind came to help administer CPR as they waited for help to arrive. She was eventually diagnosed with Long QT Syndrome, a disorder of the heart’s electrical system causing rapid heartbeats.

One of my issues with lack of exercise has been my fear of something else happening. It seems silly, but in the back of my head I worry. Even though I have had three stress tests and an angiogram since my heart attack which have all resulted in good news, I have still been cautious. Knowing I will have someone else along for this journey, another person who “gets it,” is a comfort I haven’t felt since I left my 70 and 80 year old friends back at cardiac rehab in the summer of 2014.

March 1 Heart Sisters
Heart sisters after our first hour long walk!

After we weighed in (and I saw a number bigger than any I had ever seen before – ugh) we found three treadmills and began our first day of exercise. Slow and steady, but we were moving. We talked and walked and before we knew it, our “Let’s stay for 20 or 30 minutes” became an hour!

March 1 treadmill
Day 1 … first time on a treadmill since August 2014.

This all came because I finally decided to make ME my why! I needed to changed the narrative from making my family my reason for doing things. Now it is me. Because when I set my mind that I am doing things for them, they remain at the top of my priority list. I now have to work and make sure I am at the top of that list, knowing that by taking care of me, I will be able to take care of what I need to for them. For the next ten weeks at the Y, my WHY will be me!


Two Days That Made a Difference in D.C. (and Me)

This week I had the incredible privilege of serving as an advocate for the American Heart Association (AHA) on behalf of the residents of Connecticut. I joined three others from our state as we traveled to Washington D.C. to share our stories and urge our members of Congress to support three bills that align with the AHAs mission of, “Building healthier lives free of cardiovascular diseases and stroke.” In total we were 330 advocates representing 46 states participating in 284 meetings on Capitol Hill.

Sunday, June 25th was my 48th birthday and I knew that doing this was an incredible way to start my 49th year. It was also bittersweet. I was with a friend on Sunday, road tripping from Baltimore to D.C. and singing Wham’s “Club Tropicana” when I realized that this would be the first time since I was 15 and discovered George Michael and I shared the same birthday that we wouldn’t both be celebrating. Thinking about how he passed away on December 25, 2016 (our half birthday), it took me back for a moment. A moment where I realized this is exactly why I was going to D.C.

Monday was filled with training sessions to prepare us for our lobbying efforts. I participated in one meeting where we role played what our responses would be to opposition messaging and another that focused on how we can best communicate with and influence the current members of congress. In these sessions, not only did I learn a great deal, but I had the opportunity to network with other survivors, listen to their stories and gain new perspectives on the issues.

We then attended a Hero’s Luncheon emceed by a woman I am blessed to call a friend, Lisa Bayha Deck. She shared her incredible story as a four time stroke survivor and her diagnosis with Moyamoya, a disease in which arteries in the base of the brain are constricted, restricting blood flow. We heard from several other survivors whose stories provided us with more inspiration, knowing what we were there to do would make a difference.

As our afternoon continued, we were briefed on the issues we would be discussing with our lawmakers. Leading up to this day, we were prepared for three asks, but with the looming vote on the American Health Care Act (AHCA), we knew we had more work to do!

  • Increase National Institutes of Health (NIH) budget by $2 billion for 2018 – The NIH invests only 4% of its budget on heart research and a mere 1% on stroke research. These levels are disproportionate to the number of people afflicted by cardiovascular disease (CVD) and the economic burden that comes with a diagnosis. At a cost of nearly $1 billion a day, CVD tops the list as the nation’s #1 and most expensive killer. Personally, I hope that out of that we are able to secure opportunities to conduct more research in congenital heart defects as well as research the includes more women and/or is more specific women’s heart disease. Wanna stop the nation’s #1 killer – DO MORE RESEARCH! I’m not proud that I am part of a statistic that was damn near close to killing me, but I am baffled that with all those dying of heart disease and stroke we aren’t trying a little harder in the United States to learn more about it and work to prevent it!
  • Furthering Access to Stroke Telemedicine Act (FAST Act) H.R. 1148/S. 431 – Stroke is the number 5 killer in the U.S. and a leading cause of long-term disability as well as the second leading cause of dementia. Time is critical for stroke patients, and those eligible to receive the recommended clot-busting therapy within the 3-4 1/2 hour wind after symptoms begin are at least 30% more likely to have minimal or no disability. Unfortunately, only 3-5% of eligible stroke patients receive this life saving therapy. Expanding the use of telemedicine will increase the number of patients able to receive these drugs, but Medicare will only reimburse telehealth services in rural areas. There is a misconception that living in an urban or suburban area allows patients to access care more quickly, but in many instances that is not the case. We were fighting to have Medicare eliminate the restriction allowing for more widespread use of telestroke services.
  • Expanding Access to Cardiac Rehabilitation Services H.R. 1155/S. 1361– It has been shown that cardiac rehabilitation services reduces mortality, repeat hospitalizations and use of medical resources while improving a patient’s quality of life following a cardiac event. However, only about 30% of eligible patients take advantage of cardiac rehab. To receive reimbursement under Medicare, cardiac rehab services must be provided under the direct supervision of a physician – meaning that a physician must be at the site of the program (within 200 yard of the patient) and immediately available and accessible at all times. This has created a severe barrier in access, especially in rural areas where physicians are scarce. We hope that by amending the existing requirements for reimbursement to allow physician assistants, nurse practitioners and clinical nurse specialists to supervise cardiac rehab on a day-to-day basis will increase access to the much needed services. I know there was never a physician present when I completed my cardiac rehab and I always felt safe. I mean, I was hooked up to heart monitors and my blood pressure was checked throughout the sessions. I know that if something happened, the staff there would have done the same thing a doctor would have – call 9-1-1 to get me to a hospital, begin CPR and utilize an AED. Even I know how to do those things! If you don’t know someone who has benefited from cardiac rehab, even as a 44-year-old heart patient, it was critical to my recovery  – physically, mentally and emotionally. It helped build my confidence and alleviate the fear that simply walking wouldn’t cause me to drop dead!  Don’t believe what I have to say about the importance of cardiac rehab? Click here to take a listen to author, personal trainer and host of “The Biggest Loser” Bob Harper who went into sudden cardiac arrest on February 12, 2017.  He shared why cardiac rehabilitation was so important to his recovery. 
  • Oppose the American Health Care Act (AHCA) and any Senate substitute – The American Heart Association has adopted a set of health care reform principles that requires any changes to current health law to preserve and expand access to affordable and adequate health care coverage. The House passed AHCA would cause 22 million Americans to lose health care coverage and reduce access to affordable coverage for low and middle income individuals and families. It would also allow states to reduce protections for patients with preexisting conditions and allow employers and insurers to bring back annual and lifetime limits. The AHCA would impact every person you know, and not in a positive way. In our home, where three out of four of us have preexisting conditions, the AHCA would significantly impact our household in ways I’m too afraid to even think about.

After our briefing on Monday, we all went our separate ways. As we were dining, enjoying our evenings getting to know each other and network, some members of the Senate were preparing a sit-in on the steps of the Capitol! Several of us from the AHA Founders Affiliate (CT, MA, ME, NH, NJ, NY, RI, VT) were relaxing in the hotel lobby when I received a text from Tom. He was back at home in Connecticut on Twitter and sent a message, “Now get your butt to the Capitol!” He saw a tweet from Senator Christopher Murphy (D-CT) that several Senators were protesting the AHCA on the steps of The Capitol! I shared the news with several others I was sitting with, got a group together and made our way to Capitol Hill. We arrived just before 11:00 p.m. and were there for the tail end of the event, but to have made it there and see the final remarks of Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) was incredible! You can click here to see the video I captured and posted to YouTube. At the end of the event, we had the opportunity to grab a moment with Senator Murphy and tell him about our scheduled meeting with his office the next day. This would be the only time we would see him, but we knew we had his support.

Tuesday was our time! We started bright and early with words from American Heart Association CEO Nancy Brown and our guest speaker Bob Harper. Harper shared the story of his heart attack proving that it doesn’t matter who you are, how physically fit you may be, we all need to care for our hearts. While you wouldn’t think we would have much in common (other than both having roots in Tennessee and a love for Broadway), out stories are eerily similar. We have now both become a part of an exclusive club that we wouldn’t want anyone else to join, yet we are so thankful our memberships were accepted. Thanks to quick action, Hands-Only CPR and the use of AEDs, we are both alive to share our stories and fight for our hearts and the hearts of every American.

We met with our Connecticut contingent in preparation for our five meetings that day. While we weren’t able to meet with any of our representatives directly, we did have great meetings with staffers from each office. We shared our stories and heard some of their own personal stories as well. All of the offices were understandably overwhelmed with the AHCA, but were extremely receptive to our asks. We were thankful to have Rep. Elizabeth Etsy’s support and commitment to seeing through Furthering Access to Stroke Telemedicine Act (FAST Act) H.R. 1148 as a co-sponsor. Our day was successful as we opened doors, minds and hearts to our requests and feel confident that with further conversations, we will secure definitive support from our representatives.

In between meetings, we also watched as the Senate Democrats held a press conference where they shared photos and stories of constituents from their states who would suffer, many of whom would die, if the ACHA were to be passed. It was powerful to be there as we watched our Senators join in the call for a no vote.

It was an exhausting two days. It was an inspiring two days. It was an emotional two days. It was an empowering two days. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I was so proud to have been there – sharing my story, lending my voice and working to create change that could help countless numbers Americans as we worked to #LiftTheBurden.


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Not So Vivid Memories of Three Years Ago


This selfie was taken three years ago on May 15, 2014. It was just four days after I had a massive heart attack at home and went into sudden cardiac arrest – where I was saved by my husband performing CPR, paramedics shocked me, doctors discovered I had a 70% blockage at a precarious location in my left anterior descending artery and I was placed in an induced coma under protocols for protective hypothermia to save my brain and organ function. This picture was taken three days after I went into cardiac arrest three additional times in the hospital where the nurses performed CPR and shocked my heart a total of 13 times in an attempt to stabilize me. This was just two days after I had a stent placed in my heart, because the risky option to remove my blockage had become the only option that might save my life.

This selfie was taken by me on the first day I can remember. My memories aren’t vivid, but it was the beginning of me finally realizing what had happened. I was blessed to know that my last words to my daughter weren’t going to be, “Allie, clean your room!” I do remember several of my visitors that day, but I don’t think I can recall all of them. On this day, I began hearing the stories of what had happened, how horrific everything had been, how close to death I came. I read the hundreds of messages of support that had been posted all over Facebook offering thoughts, positive energy and prayers.

Along with this picture, I posted, “I can’t even begin to express how happy I am to be alive!!! I’m so grateful for the quick actions of my husband who first gave me CPR, to the helicopter pilot who flew me to Hartford safely (although I wish I had gotten a souvenir picture like I’ve seen so many of you get from your helicopter rides), the doctors and nurses who took care of me and shocked me back three times from my first heart attack, five shocks for the second and six from the last one before finally implanting a stent. I’m so proud of my kids who witnesses the first heart attack at home. Tom said they were kneeling by the door praying for me. I’m so appreciative of the many cards and visits I’ve had and the THOUSANDS of prayers that were said for me and my family. I may not look great, but I’m alive and getting better everyday!!! Thank you for all the love, thoughts and positive energy you sent my way!!!”  

Okay, the message may be choppy and the number of shocks was wrong as I have since confirmed through the hospital medical records, but give a girl a break – I almost bought the farm … kicked the can … met my maker … bit the dust … cashed in my chips! It seemed like the fat lady was doing a LOT of vocal warm ups!!! But, I defied the odds and I’m still here. Here to celebrate my third Mother’s Day after the most hellish one.

While the date of my heart attack was May 11, the story will always center around this holiday. My favorite Mother’s Day gift this year was a charm. One for a bracelet I haven’t worn for about six months because I’ve gained weight and it doesn’t fit. As I opened the gift, my husband said, “This is something you got three years ago.” I knew an AED couldn’t have been in the small box in my hand. I was confused, but my family was on the edge of their seats waiting for me to open the gift. Had they found some security footage from the Life Star Helicopter with the picture I said I wished I had? No, too small for that, too. I lifted the lid to see a charm with a heartbeat.


A heartbeat. We all overlook them everyday. Our hearts beat more than 108,000 times a day. Every heartbeat as important as the next. They are what keeps us all alive. One after the other, pumping blood through our bodies to keep them functioning. Something I never thought about, I completely lost three years ago. Three years ago, I got my heartbeat back. Now it’s time for me to pay more attention to each beat that blesses me everyday and allow myself the time and focus on self care to keeping them going. It’s time for me to make sure that bracelet will fit again so I can wear it as a reminder of what was lost and what I have gotten back.

Moving forward, I will take more time to put my hand over my heart. To really feel my heartbeats. To thank a few everyday on behalf of the thousands. Being aware of the ones I have will help fuel my desire to make sure I have billions more in my future!

Benjamin Franklin said …

“Never leave till tomorrow that which you can do today.” Thanks for the inspiration, Ben. I was actually thinking of putting things off for two more days, waiting because it marks a milestone and it would be a great time to celebrate with something new. But then, I thought about how procrastination has cost me so much time in my life already. So I’m starting two days ahead.

Two days from now, I celebrate my third Heartattackiversary! It was May 11, 2014 – Mother’s Day – when I suffered a widowmaker heart attack and went into sudden cardiac arrest at home. Thanks to my brave husband and children, the timely arrival of paramedics, many nurses, doctors and the friends, family and strangers who took time to pray, I survived. It was just not my time to go and I was given another chance at life.

While some in my situation have an epiphany and immediately turn their life around, for me it hasn’t been that easy. Life got in the way as I worked to take care of my family and commitments, forgetting to carve out the time I needed to focus on me. I have learned that I need to take care of not only my physical heart, but my emotional heart. My whole heart!

This blog is a place for me to share my journey as I work to focus on me. Finding ways to prioritize my health, focus my mind, deal with feelings and live a full life. I won’t be perfect in my pursuit, and that is why I am saying everything outloud. I know I am not the only person who struggles with discovering and caring for themselves. I wanted to be able to have a place where I write about my process, allow others to share theirs and maybe provide some inspiration for others.

I’m going to do my best not to live my life as I have, based on Mark Twain’s quote, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” I can’t promise my life will have any less sarcasm, but I’m going to make sure it has more selfcare, time for reflection, good friends, great memories, family, laughter and love as I live for my whole heart – wholeheartedleigh!